Musician's Widow

There’s a saying about Aggies and Aggieland: From the outside looking in, you can never understand it. From the inside looking out, you can never explain it. That’s precisely what makes this blog so very hard to write. Because if you aren’t an Aggie, you probably will never truly understand.

Ten years ago, I was a freshman in college. I’d opted to attend Temple College for two years before transferring to Texas A&M University, despite having being accepted at TAMU. So, when I say Bonfire collapsed my freshman year, I have to give you that little bit of disclaimer. As I was not there to watch the Bonfire being built prior to that fateful night. I would, however, occasionally check in on a live webcam someone had set up to document the growing stack.

I had made plans with my best friend since Kindergarten who was already at TAMU to attend Bonfire with her, and then go to the big game: University of Texas vs. Texas A&M. I was more excited about it than I could possibly ever tell you.

I still remember, though, how numb I felt when my mom told me that Bonfire had collapsed and that there were fatalities. I had classes that day, and I went on to school. I tuned in to KAGG 96.1 FM… Aggie 96… all the way to school, and I sat listening to the reports in my truck prior to going to class.

Eight days before, I’d come far too close to losing my own brother in an auto accident. And here I was listening to reports of my Aggie family having lost members, and I felt the sharp ache in my heart.

Me & Lindsey at the game in 1999

A week later, I went to the candlelight memorial at the site of stack, the night it was supposed to burn. We made the trek over to Kyle Field, where a video of a previous Bonfire burning was being shown on the jumbotron. I will never forget how quiet it got, nor the way groups huddled together for comfort. I will never forget the feeling of unity. The way everyone leaned on one another, not afraid to show the hurt, sadness and weakness that permeated everyone’s souls.

The next day, we went and witnessed “The 12 Man’s Finest Hour” when the Aggies took the win over the Longhorns: 20 – 16. I also witnessed one of Texas’ most classy moments as well: when the Longhorn band held Texas A&M flags and performed “Amazing Grace.”

Bonfire’s collapse had not only affected Aggies, but it had brought in an outpouring of love and respect from even our greatest rivals.

I know that in the years since, lawsuits and studies, finger pointing and fear have all mired the memory of Bonfire and what it truly meant to so many Aggies: a time to gather in camaraderie prior to the biggest game of the year. It wasn’t as much about UT as it was about being an Aggie and experiencing a tradition that was 90 years in the making.

Ten years later, on what would have been the 100th Anniversary of Bonfire, Aggies came together to remember that fateful night in which 12 Aggies were killed, and many others injured. The place where Bonfire had once been built, and today a beautiful memorial stands, thousands gathered at the moment of collapse in a candlelight vigil.

Nashville Aggies gathered tonight

I was able to watch part of that memorial thanks to a live feed from KBTX, the local CBS affiliate. I clutched my husbands hand, and as I expected would happen… as the images flashed in front of my eyes, and I listened to the stories, I felt the sobs build in my chest and the tears fall. My heart was very much in Aggieland at that moment. I can never in a million years explain what this meant to me… what this means to Aggies everywhere.

I was blessed this evening to be surrounded by Aggies locally. I invited Aggies to join me for dinner, and to my delight several came out. We poured over a recent Texas Monthly, and the day’s Battalion. We shared a good bit of good bull from our days in Aggieland, and about our days here in Nashville.

In this one night, friendships that had begun over time at Game Watching Parties and Happy Hours seemed to truly solidify. By the end of the night, plans for Christmas were being made, and once again, hundreds of miles from where the Bonfire once burned, its true spirit was sparked once again. Aggie camaraderie stood strong and shined. It burned brightly… just as it was always meant to do.

April 21st. Just another day to most people. San Jacinto Day in Texas. Aggie Muster Day to Aggies.

Aggie Muster Day. It stills me. It humbles me. It overwhelms me.

For my non-Aggie readers, Muster is — basically — a memorial service for all the Aggies who have passed away in the last year. (The Muster Tradition on the Association website.) The March 1923 Texas Aggie urged, “If there is an A&M man in one hundred miles of you, you are expected to get together, eat a little, and live over the days you spent at the A&M College of Texas.”

Muster is held in over 300 locations around the world on April 21st every year. It is held in small towns, big cities, foxholes, ships, war torn countries, restaurants and in private residences around a dinner table. It is a time where all Aggies gather together, and have their Aggie Spirit rekindled and they pay homage to those who have passed on ahead of us.

My first Aggie Muster was in 2002 on campus. Here is an excerpt of what I wrote that night afterwards:

The class of 1952 was present for the 50th class reunion. The rememberance of their time on campus, and what they’ve done since their graduation… my heart filled with a pride and awe that… I had tears in my eyes throughout it all. So much and so many to honor…

…so much to live up to…

They were given one helluva standing ovation.

Further on…

Then, he turned to the present students… “the keepers of the spirit”… by this time, after hearing all the great things graduates of the schol have done, I myself began to doubt, for the first time ever, if I, myself, am good enough… if I am right… to attend this school. How can I live up to these standards? How can I truly think myself worthy? He addressed that head on, as if he knew those thoughts were running through students heads. And he issued these three questions, and if you could answer yes to them, then you belong at where you are:

“When Silver Taps is played, does it still bring chills? At the beginning of the fourth quarter at football games when 80,000 join in the Fight Song, do your eyes still mist over? When you think of that tragic November when Bonfire fell, does your heart still ache?”

I had tears rolling as I answered a proud “YES” to every question.

Even this year, seven years after that night, when I attended Muster in Franklin, TN for my third Muster in Middle Tennessee, I was moved to tears.

The Muster chair said at one point, “I hope you all leave with a revived hope that knowing as an Aggie, you will never be forgotten.”

THAT statement made in 2002 is what really gets to me about Muster. You will never be forgotten. When my time in this world is over, my name will be on the roll call and fellow Aggies will answer “Here” for me.

I was chairperson for this year’s Muster in Middle Tennessee. It was a LOT of work!! But it was truly a labor of love. Even as I grumbled at times that I’d not be doing it again, deep down I knew/know I’d be honored to take on the task again.

I wasn’t very active as a student at A&M, really. I worked for The Battalion in the AggieLife section, but even my work done there was not what it should have been. I lived in Cameron with my parents and drove two hours round-trip every day to class. I didn’t mind the drive at all — I enjoyed it really — but it didn’t leave much room to be active in organization and clubs. And to be honest, I was at a point in my life that I wasn’t that interested in being active. I had a wicked shy streak going on, and getting past it was something I was not “willing” to do. I kept my head down and did what I had to do, but I never really put myself out there.

Today, I have a new attitude and outlook on life and myself. And within that, I have this stronger interest in being active with my Texas A&M Club. I want to meet more Aggies! I want to know all of them here! I want to be right there in the thick of it all. I want to truly earn and portray my status as an Aggie.

And without a single doubt or hesitation, I know that the Aggie Muster tradition is my all-time favorite of the many traditions my school has. I am passionate about it. It encompasses EVERYTHING I feel an Aggie to be. Honor and respect of others. Love of university. The unity and family that only Aggies can understand.

We had a Longhorn in attendance at our Muster this year. He himself was moved by the tradition and even shhh’d a waitress during Silver Taps… which he too stood for in honor of our fallen Aggies. We had a former Baylor Bear, who is now going on to grad school at A&M, in attendance for his first Muster. We had spouses of Aggies. We had the children of Aggies. We had new grads, and old Ags. We all stood together that night in this unspoken comeraderie. And we’ll join back again on April 21, 2010.

I, for one, can’t wait.