Musician's Widow

High school rock stars

There’s a Cross Canadian Ragweed song that says, “You’re always 17 in your hometown.” And in a lot of ways, its true. I don’t know what it is about rolling into your hometown that slips you back into that mode. You remember your high school glories. Suddenly I find myself walking with that old swagger. I look around and, while many things have changed, I find a deep comfort in how much is still the same.

I’m in my hometown right now, working at the family business. The other day, I had to make a trip over to the pharmacy. I forgot to pack allergy pills and had to go grab myself a bottle to get through the change in climate and geography.

As I went to leave, I noticed a couple cars in the parking lot. Probably 7 or 8 high school aged kids were hanging out. I had my windows up so I couldn’t hear if they were jamming out to tunes or anything.  But I recognized that swagger in their step. I recognized the attitude in how they  leaned against the cars. This town is THEIR town right now. They are the keepers of the school’s spirit.

It made me smile. It made me actually shake my head to realize none of them were even in school when I was in their shoes. It didn’t make me feel old, as I thought it would. It just made me realize that time moves on, and they are where they are to be and I am where I am meant to be. I wouldn’t trade places with them for all the money in the world.

I may be in my  hometown… but I am most definitely not 17. And I am totally happy in that fact.

I’ve been battling something of a case of insomnia the last two weeks. I’m not entirely sure what set it off, but I just can’t sleep most nights. I lay awake, tossing and turning, cursing the ceiling. My husband sleeping soundly beside me. It’s so frustrating! I just want to sleep normal hours! Hopefully, I’ll get past this again soon. Until then, I’ll be keeping watch through the night hours for everyone.

We finally had our first winter snow here in Nashville. Not much at my house:

But, its still pretty. Downtown was snowing pretty good when my husband and I went out last night. I’ve definitely lived here long enough that I’m not phased by it any more. A couple years ago, you wouldn’t get me out of the house if there was even a CHANCE of snow. Now? Eh. Now I watch the weather and gauge my freak-out need accordingly. This? This was not even a 1 on my freak-out scale.

It was nice to finally see some snow, though. Last year we had an exceptional amount of snow, and I don’t want THAT again. But, the snow is pretty and I was hoping I’d get to see some this winter. Now I have and it finally feels like winter to me. So that’s a yay.

Happy Friday the 13th, everyone! Oh I know, its superstitious as being a day of bad luck. I’ve not really ever noticed anything exceptional about past Friday the 13ths. So, I just say, “Hey, cool, its Friday. Let the weekend begin!”

I did learn something already today, though. “friggatriskaidekaphobia – A morbid, irrational fear of Friday the 13th.” (From Skeptic’s Dictionary) That’s a really big word and should mean, “Fear of getting that word in a spelling bee.” But maybe that’s just me.

Anyway, don’t let the date freak you out. Enjoy the day! Happy Snow Day to any teachers and students who may be reading, ready to enjoy a 4 day weekend. Go back to bed and make the most of it! Maybe you can sleep… here’s hoping I can, too!

I have a private journal I’ve kept up since 2011. Unfortunately, in the past couple of years its just become a place to dump my Twitter feed to for safe keeping. But once upon a time, I wrote in it daily. A few years, I would take the last week of December to do a year-end wrap-up. I’d write about what happened in each given month of the previous year, taking a trip down memory lane.

Eventually, however, that ceased to happen. And since then, I have given each year end a little bit of a cursory nod, but never the kind of attention I once gave. I’d like to say that this year will be different, that I’ll go month-by-month again. But, I can’t say that, because I, frankly, just don’t have time to go that in depth. I do, however, want to give this year some closure.

My  mom sent me an email with a newsletter giving ways to bring closure to the year. In it, Mike Robbins writes about how we need to give one year closure before we jump into the next one with all these hopes for where it will lead.

Last year at this time, we were in the process of moving. I was forced to find closure on the previous three years of living in the house we were in, and I embraced 2011 with hope and optimism as change was going on all around me. My address changed, and so did many ways I viewed various things. This year, though, I feel like I’m just rolling into 2012 without much fanfare. Its just another year. January 1st, just another day. I don’t really have optimism, but I don’t feel dread either. I’m a bit ambivalent to the whole thing.

So perhaps I am one who has a bigger need to find closure to 2011 than I would normally be as a year comes to a close. I thought I’d tackle the four questions found in Robbins’ newsletter.

1) What were my biggest lessons in 2011?

Absolutely the strong difference between want and need was my biggest lesson. This past year was a rebuilding one, financially, for my husband and myself. With that, I also learned the deep satisfaction that comes with paying for items with cash. I learned how to NOT live on credit and instead was reminded what it meant to put your money in a jar (or in my case, a big envelope) until you’d saved up enough money to purchase that great big WANT.

I learned my love for photography really can be more than just a hobby. I found a deep interest in the creative process of bringing music to life, and I discovered a potential market for documenting that process. I caught myself critiquing other’s photos with a better eye than just, “Oh that’s pretty!” and I soak in how other’s approach photography — both in what to do and what NOT to do.

On the writing side, I finally learned and held my first giveaways. I learned about how social networking in person can help you in the online world. I discovered even more strongly the kindred spirits I have in other bloggers.

Medically, I have learned an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. If I will stay on a strict regimen for my sinuses, I won’t be so crippled by infections. You’d think I’d have known that already, but I REALLY learned it this year.

2) What am I most proud of from this past year?

See question 1. I am most proud of the fact that my husband and I ended the year without accruing any new debts. (Outside of an ER bill.)

I am proud that I have embraced myself as a writer and a photographer, not just as “trying to get into it.” I am proud that I’ve kept this blog going and its continuing to pick up traffic and grow consistently. I am super proud of the work I did on Rick’s CD, leading me even deeper down the photography path.

Finally, I am proud of becoming a biggest piece of our work-puzzle. Working more consistently has given me a nice feeling of satisfaction. I’ve met so many interesting people, many of which I’d have never met had I not been behind the bar this year.

3) What were my biggest disappointments in 2011?

I set the bar high for myself. I may not admit that out loud to anyone, but deep down I always set it high. While my blog does continue to grow, its growing slower than I’d like for it to grow. I am disappointed that I haven’t gone to any blogger conferences, nor attended any photo walks. I once again failed to complete NaNoWriMo.

I fully thought I’d be further in making photography profitable for myself, but I have to acknowledge there is still a lot more expense I need to go into first to really get that off the ground. Baby steps… even if I don’t want them to be.

On a personal note, I do wish we were closer to being able to purchase our own house, or maybe be back to two vehicles. And I had hoped we’d be more solidly ready to take steps towards starting a family.

4) What am I ready to let go of from this past year?

My disappointments for the year. They are heavily outweighed by the lessons and successes of the year. When many people look back on 2011, they call it a bust. When I look back on it, I call it a success. Maybe I didn’t grow to the levels I had hoped I would, but I sure didn’t backslide for a change!

But perhaps that is where I don’t feel this big surge into the new year. I didn’t necessarily grow “big time” this past year, but I didn’t backslide. I didn’t stagnate, but I think I easily could do that right now. Just go with the status quo as it stands now, content with where I am for awhile. But I don’t WANT to do that. I want to keep striving forward. I want to keep pushing. I want to build a positive momentum from here on out. And maybe… maybe I am afraid I won’t do that?  Hmm…

5) What else do I need to do or say to be totally complete with 2011?

This might sound bizarre to some people, but I need to clean out my closet. I need to clear out old things physically to be ready to clear them out mentally and emotionally. I may have to actively do this on the 1st since I won’t have time today to do it. But, I need to do something like that…I need to physically let go of things. I need to clean. I need to rearrange a room. Something like that.

⚝

Happy New Year, everyone. See you all in 2012…

October went by crazy fast for me. I was just BUSY, and as we jump into November with both feet I’m still busy!

Last month, it was busy downtown. I picked up a lot of nights in the bar — something that paid off really well, and I am SO grateful for that fact. It’s left me on a total vampire schedule (I just can’t flip flop like most people!), but its also left me feeling very satisfied with the feeling of hard work done well.

Now, though, my workload is completely different. I have a lot of stuff I need to handle for my parent’s business — research in products and stuff. I have a CD cover to design, like, yesterday. I have a friend looking to start a blog and wants me to help him with the design of it. I am trying to do NaNoWriMo. And I’m just looking to enjoy my birthday month and Thanksgiving!

BUSY! That is me.

And I plan to love every moment of it.

I slept on the couch last night… well okay, most of the day. No, my husband and I aren’t fighting. I was waiting for a “local carrier” to come pick up this dud of a laptop.

Somewhere between 8 am and 5:30 pm.

They officially have only 30 more minutes to come get it before I get REALLY annoyed.

First off, I’m a night owl. Both in job and in nature. So saying you could come pick up this package at 8 am is about like someone saying they’ll come by to get it at 2 am for most people. But since I’m the odd one here, I usually sleep on the couch if I have a delivery (or in this case, a pick up) coming. That way I won’t miss the knock on the door.

However, this is the first time I’ve had anyone give themselves a nine and a half hour window to do something. So I slept on the couch, and when my husband got called out last minute to move the bus around, I couldn’t go with him. All the errands I planned to run today didn’t happen. This is worse than waiting for a cable guy!

Why do you need a nine and a half hour window in the first place? Can’t you either, at least, say morning or afternoon? SOMETHING?

Frustrating.

Very frustrating.

One thing I love about living in a house versus an apartment is having a yard. Sure, there’s something nice about not having to ever worry about mowing or landscaping. But there’s also something very satisfying about mowing and landscaping.

Yesterday ended up being a yard day for me and my husband. The last time we’d mowed, it was 95 degrees with a heat index of around 98. Needless to say, we did good to get the front yard mowed. The whole back part of our yard was left tall. We were just too tired to try to do all of it. To add insult to heat stroke, my weed eater died. Just… died. Mid-edging of the sidewalk.

We were treated yesterday to a high of only about 92 with practically no heat index. So we started our day with a trip to the store for a new weed eater. (This of course after we discovered the warranty on our last one that we bought LAST YEAR went out a month before. Guess I should have popped for the extra year of warranty after all.) After talking with a store associate, we chose a new (way better!) trimmer with a three year warranty and I bought the two years extended warranty past that. None of this new weed eater in a year crap again!

After putting my new toy together for me (because for some reason I totally get a kick out of edging) my husband started mowing and I started trimming. It was hot, but we worked at a much more steady pace than the last time. Near the end of our project, my husband and I traded jobs so he could try out the new weed eater. We both agreed it was way better than the last one, and it didn’t wear you our nearly as bad. (The old one would leave my arms shaking for hours afterwards. Ever try to put eyeliner on with a hand that can’t stay still?? This one, however, didn’t phase me.)  I successfully stalled out the mower a few times on the super thick grass in the back where we didn’t mow last time. But still… the job got done.

It felt good to get up this morning, look outside, and admire our well manicured lawn. We haven’t looked this good since we moved in, I don’t think!!

Oh I have several bug bites from our task. One on my left wrist. Another on the back of my right hand. Which is making typing interesting, since all I want to do is scratch! But, hey, no good task really ever ends without some sort of injury, right?

I enjoy yard work. I don’t do it as often as I should. My flower beds are usually very pathetic. And how my flowers on the porch are still alive is beyond my comprehension. However, when I do get out to mow or weed or just enjoy my porch swing (which is when the flowers usually get watered), I enjoy it so much. Its satisfying. You can step back and see your hard work’s product and success. It gives you time to think and reflect. For me and my husband, it reflects good team work. It makes us sit back and go, “Go us!”