Musician's Widow

I have never watched any of the “Real Housewives of…” shows. Never cared to… too far out of reality for me. I’ve never watched any show that follows people around and documents their “real life.” (Okay, fine, maybe I have watched a few episodes of Gene Simmons Family Jewels. And I might have endured one or two episodes of Newlyweds — remember that one?)

When I stumbled upon the Road Widows blog and started contributing, I briefly wondered why CMT doesn’t do a “Real Road Widows of Music City” or something. That could be really cool, I thought. Heck, I’d be happy to contribute to it!

I’ve chewed on this idea a few times. How would that work? I guess you’d probably focus on the wives of the artists for the biggest ratings, but what about us wives of the side guys?  I know some great women that could be featured. It could be pretty cool.

Then, as I lay in bed one night, trying to turn the brain off so I could sleep (husband snoring softly beside me… dammit, I thought, I want to sleep, too!) it hit me. It would probably be one a boring show in comparison to its reality tv peers.

See, us road widows… we aren’t generally an outlandish bunch. Many of us have regular ol’ day jobs. Others of us are your typical stay at home moms (albeit part time single-parents.) We are all more focused on putting food on the table than shopping for designer dresses and shoes. We live a life a lot closer to reality than those typical “reality” TV shows portray. It is within that that it really wouldn’t be exciting. It might pass more as educational. Recipes for one. Budgeting. How to fly solo to events. Building your own support system outside of your marriage. Balancing the craziness of “the life” with “the normal world.”

Oh sure, there would be your cool out-of-the ordinary moments. The occasional awards show. CD release parties. A glimpse at hanging backstage before a concert. (Newsflash: Soundcheck is usually pretty boring, and you do a whole lot of hurry up and waiting. Though my personal favorite drama tends to deal with security guards on a power trip.) You could spice it all up here and there!

But, quite frankly, we’re a pretty normal bunch living pretty normal lives… and quite frankly, I am VERY thankful for that.

If you’ve ever watched CBS’s Big Brother, you know the mantra for the show is “Expect the Unexpected.” I’ve found that to be a pretty good mantra for life. Life likes to throw you curve balls. Some are gentle, and they hardly even register as a curve ball. Some are so curved you can’t possibly swing without carefully investigating if you should even try.

Now, the unexpected happens a lot with a touring musician husband. Last minute shows. Cancelled shows. Traffic keeping them from getting home by a certain time. Weather, flights, gear malfunctions, any number of things can happen. I am generally, as a result, pretty good at taking things in stride. Generally. Not always, but generally.

I had a “not always” this week and it left me in a funk. Left me downright pessimistic. Hence my lack of post yesterday. I don’t write well when I am glowering at the world. Cursing its curve balls. But, a funny thing happened… I had even more unexpecteds occur, and they were really quite positive.

As usual, I tagged along to a jam night that my husband is in the house band for every Tuesday night. My heart wasn’t in it.  I walked in the bar, grabbed a beer and plunked my butt down at a table. I’m pretty sure I even gave a little “Hmph” as I did. I usually mix and mingle, but last night? Not even on my radar. I tried to bury myself in my Twitter feed on my phone. I hoped that I was giving off a huge, “Leave me alone” vibe.

However, mingling came to me. I saw several faces I’ve not seen a far too long. Faces that all lit up to see me and arms that wrapped me in big hugs. The bar was busier than its been on a jam night in awhile, with many road musicians in attendance (and a few artists as well!). As an extra treat, I got to see Eric (Nashville Musician’s Survival Guide) and Kelly (Do It The Hard Way), both of which unknowingly boosted my writing confidence. Something I needed, as I’ve felt like I’ve just been phoning it in lately.

Now, some of the mingling wasn’t exactly welcomed. At one point in the night, my table was pretty much just taken over by another group. I was at first determined to hold my ground. I was there first, and I was, by far, going to be there a lot later. I passive-aggressively complained on Twitter about my unwelcome guests. I was not happy. (Personal space, people! Personal space!)

However, I started to look around a noticed that the bartenders on duty were being swamped terribly. So I got up (in a huff) and decided maybe the best therapy for me was work. I started clearing tables and asking if anyone needed anything. I washed dishes, and I felt my mood lift a bit. I wasn’t doing it to make any money, I was doing it just to help out and get out of my own head.

Turned out it was just as well, as one of the bartenders needed to leave early any way! I ended up behind the bar for the rest of the night and not only lifted my spirit but did go home with a few dollars in my pocket.

The night ended with me, my husband, and two friends sitting at the end of the bar eating chips, drinking water and having a big therapy session until 5 AM. I had a doctors appointment the next day, and I had fully intended to be in bed early. But the unexpected early-morning hours talking was worth the lost sleep. I went home with a far better attitude than I’d had all night.

I had expected my doctor’s appointment to be fairly quick. My last one was, so why not this one? Of course, instead, I was called back an hour late. I was hungry. I was tired. I was grumpy…

My doctor made me laugh and had such an amazing attitude, I left smiling and not minding the late exit one bit. Oh my stomach was upset because it wanted food, but my attitude was much improved.

Expecting the unexpected doesn’t have to mean anything bad. It can also be for the good. And as I look over the last few days, I see a lot of little positive surprises, way more positive ones than negative ones. I’m sure going to try to focus on that, and, you know, I’m going to try to focus on that concept in the future. Its so easy to get wrapped up in the negative, but I sure would rather focus on the positive.

My husband and his "other woman"

I noticed yesterday that I had a hit on this blog with the search, “musicians love music more than spouce.” Yeah, I didn’t fix the spelling. Keepin’ it real here.

That really made me stop. It really made me a little sad. It really made me want to share my point of view on that.

There was a period of time when my husband and I were dating that I thought that myself. In fact, for awhile it made things easier to think, “The music comes first. And I come second.” Deep down, I spent a lot of time wrestling with that thought and the feelings that accompanied it. Was I okay with that? Was that even true?

Here I am, four and a half years into our marriage, and I realize that thought I had couldn’t be further from the truth. And maybe… maybe I can help the person who did that search come to realize what I’ve come to realize.

Music isn’t something my husband loves. No, its simply a part of who he is. Music is in his soul. It’s as much a part of him as is his arms and legs. It’s practically in his DNA. He needs it like he needs air and water. Even if he were to quit the music tomorrow, he’d still play. He’d still pick apart songs on the radio. He’d still tune my voice out to listen to whatever is being piped through the little speakers in a restaurant.

It’s not that he loves music more than me. It’s that the music is a part of him. And it is in that fact, that I love the music, too.  I have always loved music, but I love it in a different way today. It is a part of our life — at times it IS our life — because its just who he is.

We have a running joke that his Leslie speaker is his “other woman.”  And that I bought her for him. He sees her more than he sees me these days. It’s a lighthearted humor we have in this crazy life.

We’ve talked at length about how WE come before the music. We’ve at least once faced the possibility of walking away from the music, because we thought it was what we needed. Thankfully? Unseen forces threw us right back into the life… wild, crazy, wacky and stressful as it is. I am thankful. Because its just a part of who my husband is… dare I say he is most alive when he’s on stage and everything is clicking. Harmonies, mixes, his piano sound, the Leslie is singing… even when he’s exhausted there’s the light in his eyes.

Simply put, music is a huge part of the man I fell in love with and married. It doesn’t come first, because for a musician… it is not a thing TO come first.

YOU, their spouse, come first. You keep them grounded. You give them the momentum and reason to keep going. Support them. Love them. Love the music. And you’ll find a beautiful harmony in your life.

We survived another tax season. Every year, my parents and I say at least once twice a few dozen times, “This year is going to be the death of me!” That’s the stress talking. We aren’t being literal.

We hope.

Every year, we find new ways to make the process smoother, just as the government finds ways to complicate things. You can claim that this year, but not next year. You can itemize this but not that. You get this credit but only if you stand on your head and drink water while saying the alphabet backwards.

You think I’m kidding? I swear that one is in the tax code somewhere. If it isn’t, it should be. If for no other reason that to give tax preparers something to laugh about as they wade through the idiosyncrasies of the tax code.

What makes the job so stressful is the fact that you’re dealing with people’s financial outlook. Mistakes can cost your client thousands of dollars and can even land a huge fine (or worse!) on the tax preparer. We strive to do the job RIGHT. No law bending or “personal interpretation” being done here!

So, within that, I present to you my tax season pet peeves for 2011 (in no particular order):

• Please don’t wait until the last minute to bring in your tax work and discover you have items missing… then STILL expect the return done by deadline. Let me introduce you to Mr. Extension. He will be taking care of you this trip, and we’ll attack your lack of information sometime AFTER deadline.
• We aren’t mind readers. We don’t sit with a crystal ball to consult on every return. Did you have a child this year? Did you get married? Divorced? Move? Go self-employed? Buy stocks? Did your nephew come to live with you for the year? These are all things we NEED to know to properly do your return. Just because your baby’s birth announcement ran in the newspaper back in July of last year doesn’t mean we saw it. Help us out here. (And when we DO ask, don’t get snippy with us. Just give us the information… please?)
• The old idea of throwing your receipts in a shoe box for your preparer to wade through is just not happening these days. Either wade through them yourself and put them in some sort of order or be prepared to be charged extra for the extra work/stress you’ve brought to our office. Or, you know, meet Mr. Extension.
• Bigger and better refunds than the competition! Bull corn. If you’re going to get a refund its based on tax codes and how everything falls together on your return. If you owe, it doesn’t mean WE (the preparer) screwed up. It just means you owe money. When a software or tax company promises you bigger refunds than the competition, it doesn’t mean they have this magic dust they sprinkle on the paper to make it appear. It just means its a gimmick to get you in the door.
• Please don’t try to get us to lower our fees. I had a whole blog post on this earlier this year. See it for more on THAT whole rant of mine.
• If we take a message instead of patch you through to the preparer you wish to speak with, its not because we don’t love you anymore. Its because they are doing a return and need to focus to do the job right. You get mad if we make a mistake (and we’re human, so it happens), but you have to understand that often mistakes occur due to constant interruption while the work is being done. We might not take you call because we DO love you. See?
• If you feel like I might be treating you like a 5th grader, its because I’ve found its just a good rule of thumb. It never fails that when I assume someone already knows where to sign, etc… they don’t. So its just easier to assume you DON’T know and risk offending you than it is to assume you DO know and then get us ALL in a heap of trouble.
• We have over 400 clients. Yes, over half of you have been coming to us for 5 – 10 years (or longer). Still… help me out with your name when you come in to pick up your return or if you want to see someone. It’s not that I don’t love you, its that sometimes I just haven’t had enough coffee to put a name to a face. Some days, there just isn’t enough coffee in the world. Feel free, in that moment, to treat ME like a fifth grader. I won’t mind. I promise.
• If I give you that deer in the headlight look its because you just asked me something I can’t answer. I figure you know that, but, hey, sometimes people reword the question thinking maybe I’ll know the answer if they do that. Nope. I still don’t know the answer, and now you’ve made me feel dumb twice. Give me a moment to find someone who CAN answer the question. Thanks.
• Please don’t ask us to bend the rules. We won’t. And when we refuse, don’t get angry. We’re telling you no for your own good. Kinda like the time your Mom said you couldn’t have that candy bar before supper, because she knew if you ate it you wouldn’t want that yummy pizza she was making. Remember? Yeah, kinda like that. Only we are saying you can’t fudge the rules because we don’t want anyone to go to jail, nor anyone pay a huge fine and yucky stuff like that. We’re licensed professionals. We do things by the book.
• Finally, please don’t ask me to discuss politics. Not only do I just not want to go there, but with the work we’re doing, it just isn’t appropriate. I’m so glad you’re so passionate about it, but please don’t ask me to jump on your bandwagon for the sake of making you happy. Lets do the work at hand and move on from there.

Oh I’m sure I have plenty more little things that either made me cover my face or beat my head on the desk over the last few months, but I figure these suffice.

Ah. We did it. Another season in the books. A lot of extensions to do in the coming weeks/months, but we’re always grateful for that as well. Thankful for another successful season, and thankful for the loyalty of our clients. Without them, we’d be nowhere. So even as I have my little pet peeves, at the end of the day… I don’t really mind. It keeps things interesting at least.

Marriage.

I apologize in advance if this blog is a bit all over the place. I’ve been chewing on this for weeks now, hoping I could bring all my thoughts into a decent order to write this post. However, I’ve decided I need to just throw it out there and get it over with so I can stop mind-blocking myself from other topics.

My thoughts all kicked off when I read an article on a local tv station website that reported a new study suggested that marriage is becoming obsolete.

About 52% of Americans were married in 2008, down from 72% in 1960.

Researchers found that not only has marriage declined, but cohabitation, or unmarried partners living together, has become more widespread, nearly doubling since 1990.

It a very frustrating article because it suggests that young people do not want marriage, but then turns around and says young people DO want to get married, only they want to wait longer than their parents did to tie the knot.

In 2008, just 26% of people in their 20′s were married, compared to 68% in 1960.

Now, the average age for making it official is 27 for women and 29 for men.

Sounds about right. I was 26 when I got married, which was about on course for what you see today.

I am SO happily married. Which, I’m fairly sure marriage was not on most of my friend’s radars for me back in the day. Heck, to a degree, I guess I figured I’d get married some day, but I never felt a rush to do so. If it happened, great. If not, no big deal… until I fell head over heels and realized it was what was right for me. Now… I can’t imagine life without my husband. We complete each other, and there’s this HUGE comfort in knowing he’s there. We’re solid. We’re meant to be.

And yet within this, I look around as people get married and I find even myself, on occasion, going, “Do you really think they can make it?” Divorce is so rampant that I do understand people’s skepticism of marriages. Half the time I am bracing myself for news of friend’s marriages ending! So I understand the fear and skepticism. I really do.

But what I don’t understand is this repulsion towards it I see so often today. It goes beyond fear and skepticism. Celebrities claiming they “don’t believe in” marriage makes me want to cry (and deeply turns me off towards them.) I see so many couples who are happy to live together and raise a family, but the idea of actually getting married (even though their relationship has already lasted longer than some marriages!) is upwards of asking them to get into a box of killer bees. You can literally FEEL the waves of repulsion come off of them. The dreaded M-word!

Meanwhile, you have same-sex couples fighting every day to have the right to get married. Is this a case of “the grass is greener”, or is it that these same-sex couples see what so many heterosexual couples are missing: the many rights and benefits that come from getting married.

An article on NOLO lists out the many rights and benefits afforded to couples who get married. Just a few of them:

• Filing joint income tax returns (which at times will lend itself to better refunds!)
• Inheriting a share of your spouse’s estate.
• Receiving Social Security, Medicare, and disability benefits for spouses.
• Obtaining insurance benefits through a spouse’s employer.
• Taking family leave to care for your spouse during an illness.
• Taking bereavement leave if your spouse or one of your spouse’s close relatives dies.
• Visiting your spouse in a hospital intensive care unit or during restricted visiting hours in other parts of a medical facility.
• Making medical decisions for your spouse if they become incapacitated and unable to express wishes for treatment.
• Consenting to after-death examinations and procedures, including burial arrangements.
• Receiving family rates for health, homeowners’, auto, and other types of insurance.
• Suing a third person for wrongful death of your spouse and loss of consortium (loss of intimacy).

These are just a few of the many benefits that come from marriage on the legal side of things. Definitely visit NOLO for the full list. This doesn’t even go into the studies that show health benefits of marriage…

Granted, when marriages go south, it tends to be much uglier than dating or cohabitation. Divorce and legal actions have to happen. Mental and emotional stress goes through the roof. Etc.

I remember hearing over time that to have a strong marriage, each person needs to be a strong individual. And I’ll agree with that… to a degree. I think a strong marriage also comes from being willing to lean on each other. From working together to keep it strong. From loving each other through thick and thin (with obvious exceptions, like spousal abuse when you need to walk away). From knowing how to balance putting yourself and your spouse first in turn.

Call me old fashioned. I love weddings, and a strong marriage makes me incredibly happy to see. When I see something on TV, or read in the news, about couples married 30, 40, 50+ years, I get this giddy grin. I’m a romantic at heart, and I hope the idea of that “marriage becoming obsolete” was just a terrible choice of headline. I believe strongly in marriage!

I love being married. I wear my wedding ring proudly. And God help any man who thinks he’s going to look at it as a “challenge.” He’ll get an earful. Same for any woman towards my husband. Because my marriage is something I will fight for with a vengeance.

I feel so secure in that we CAN be apart for weeks at a time, and its okay (and makes the time we are together all the more precious!)

I don’t begrudge anyone who opts not to get married. Like I said in the beginning, I’m sure plenty of people saw me as “single and fabulous” as my destiny.  But I DO have a hard time grasping this deep disdain and dislike I often feel from people towards the institution. It saddens me.

So what have I concluded in all of this?  Not a whole lot, I guess. I’m still going to be chewing on this a bit, sitting back, listening to people’s opinions and thoughts on marriage. Trying to understand and see their point of view.

I just hope others will see mine, just the same.

Don’t judge a book by its cover.

Brilliant little line there. I suspect its been used to open countless other blog posts or even books. I suspect we’ve all reminded ourselves of this saying at some point, or we’ve pleaded with someone to be careful of this as well.

Don’t judge me before you know me.

The other day, my husband asked me if I had talked to a fellow music-industry person while we were out for the evening. I told him I hadn’t, but I’d seen them there. He asked why I hadn’t stopped to talk to them, since I’d been making the rounds to make sure I spoke to everyone while I am in town.

I told him it was because I’d gotten the vibe through other encounters that this person didn’t really like me. I said this person usually either clammed up or, often times, left all together when I’d make an extra effort to come say hello. So I opted, this time, to keep a wide berth of them as the night passed.

My husband was surprised. I can (generally) get along with anyone. I wasn’t going to lie and say it didn’t sting a little to have that distinct impression of dislike being sent my way. However, I was going to respect that fact and not make anyone uncomfortable.

I told my husband, “I have a suspicion that its the ‘musician’s wife’ thing. Maybe they’ve had bad experiences with wives and girlfriends on the road, and now they’re not going to give me even half a chance.” After a moment, my husband agreed that that might be the case.

Oh, I’m not going to throw stones nor pat myself on the back. I have my own moments when I find myself being THAT road wife… the one that is a little higher maintenance that normal. Its rare, but it does happen on occasion. Some wives, however, are just generally a little more high maintenance. Others you hardly know exist, they are so independent. I try to walk the line between the two… a little closer to independent, but not too close.

Anyway, I’m only making wild guesses, of course. But the end of the night, no matter what, I felt myself being judged for the cover title, versus for the content. And it stinks when that happens! We all do it, but hopefully we strive not to.

Do you have a time when you’ve felt yourself being judged before someone got to know you?