Musician's Widow

Believe it or not, Valentine’s Day is one of my favorite holidays. To those who think its just a “Hallmark Holiday” I say, “Bah humbug.” I’ve liked Valentine’s Day since I was a kid. I liked Valentine’s Day when I was single. I like Valentine’s Day now that I am married.

Me and my husband -- Valentine's 2010

I remember that in Kindergarten, on Valentine’s Day my parents gave me a card/book with cherry heart lollipops. I honestly wish I still had that book! I can’t tell you anything about the story any more, but I remember getting my teacher to read it to the class that day. (Come to think about it now, I think I’ve always liked to “share with the class.” Hence blogging.)

The other day, I asked my niece if she was looking forward to her Valentine’s Day party at school. If she’d get lots of cards from her classmates. Her response was, “Like always.” I had to laugh to myself. I miss those little cards! I always liked the many ways “Denise” could be spelled, and there was something nice about having all your classmates have to think of you for a minute in the form of those little cards.

In high school, Valentine’s Day 1997, I attended my first concert ever. Bryan White — whom I admit I had a huge crush on at that time — was playing in Waco, TX. A girl friend and I had floor seats for the show, and I jokingly would say I had a date with Bryan for the night. It was an amazing night, and I have to say it was definitely THE night my life focus changed from being small-town Texas girl for life and setting my sights on Music City and the music business.

College days came and so did an “ok-ness” with being single. I had great Valentine’s in high school, but being single and NOT having roses in the office waiting for me all four years? Was almost worse than being picked last for dodge ball in elementary school. However, in college, there wasn’t the pressure or finger pointing of “single” or “dating” that there was before.

An excerpt from my LiveJournal on Feb. 14, 2002:

I am so content and happy with my singleness. I don’t need a man to validate me as a person or anything. I am me. I like me. Yeah, maybe it is “Singles Awareness Day”. Fine by me! I am aware I am single. And I’m okay with that.

I have the bestest friends. In real life and on the net. You guys just keep me grinning like mad. Most of you I’ve only know for a few months, but already you’ve helped me through some rough times. You’ve laughed with me. You’ve cried with me. You’ve done more than was necessary. I love you all from the bottom of my heart. How I got so lucky to get to know you, I’ll never know. Nor will I question it. I am just thankful for each and every one of you. Happy Valentine’s to you…

In 2003, I wrecked my truck the day before Valentine’s Day, and in 2004 I got my belly button pierced. You can’t say I don’t have eventful Valentine’s Days sometimes!

Three years after celebrating my singleness, on Valentine’s Day 2005, my now-husband and I said “I love you” for the first time. Quit dancing around it and said it. At least we picked an easy day to remember!

Now married three years, but due to work, my husband and I have only spent the last two Valentine’s Days together. And that’s okay… doesn’t make the day any less special. I know we should tell those we love that we do love them every chance you get. But there’s something nice about having a day set aside to really focus on that fact. To tell everyone — our “significant others,” our families, our friends — that we love them. That we care about them. That we are glad they are in our lives.

To everyone who reads this… Happy Valentine’s Day. May you love and be loved deeply.

(By the way, to those who think this holiday was created to sell cards, history tells us it was celebrated as far back as the Middle Ages… long before Hallmark cards. So. PBTHTHTHTHTHTH)

Family -- Christmas 2009

Last Christmas, I wrote about there being “No price to the holidays.” This year, it felt like all I saw leading up to Christmas was dollar signs… the cost of living had me down in the dumps and stressed. It seemed like we were on this strange teeter-totter; once I’d be up, something would come out of no where to bring me back down.

Then… we began our trip towards family and a much-needed reprieve from everyday life. And, frankly, our bad luck followed us. In little ways — slamming my finger in a car door, my husband spilling hot coffee on himself — bad luck began to become funny. My attitude began to change, and I began to see the humor in almost every situation.

I also began reminiscing.

See, I’ve started this Christmas blog entry at least ten times in my mind over the course of the last two weeks. A dozen different angles. Hundreds of little stories and memories. All of which so precious. All of which deserve an entry to themselves.

My nephew made a video for a class project, and he gave us all a copy of it. “What Christmas means to me” is a gift I’m going to cherish forever… he did a great job on it, and as I sit here it makes me think… what would I say if I did such a project.

At around his age (ok, maybe more around my niece’s age), my answer would consist of stories about going to Grandma’s house with the whole family. It would talk about our “Christmas Program” in which the family gathered in the living room to sing songs, recite poems and read Christmas stories. I’d talk about Happy Birthday Baby Jesus cake, family photos, and lighting candles on the tree in order of grandchild’s age.

I’d talk about Children’s mass at church on Christmas Eve, where I’d sing in the children’s choir and Mom and my brother would be in the adult choir — complete with songs in Czech! I’d talk about how I never got to carry any of the main pieces of the nativity in during procession. Always either a donkey or a cow… no offense to the animals, but as a child you want Jesus, Mary or Joseph… or an angel… or at least a shepherd!

Finally, I would talk about Christmas morning and the wide-eyed wonder of Santa having come leave gifts over night. There were Barbies and Baby-Sitter’s Club Books. Board games and new jeans. Living in Texas, it wasn’t unusual to be warm enough to go outside and play in the afternoon. Or perhaps we’d go visit my Grandpa in Bryan.

Christmas would mean to me family, church, good food, and presents.

Today, my entry would look slightly different. So far, my husband and I have alternated Christmases with each other’s families. One year in Oregon, the next year in Texas. While both families have their own traditions, some things remain the same no matter where you are or how old you are… Christmas is still all about family, celebrating Jesus’ birth, good food, and presents — though today I am more into giving than receiving… Not that I don’t like receiving (new camera and an A&M Snuggie for the WIN!)… haha!

Ultimately, we should keep Christmas in our hearts year around. Its simply a magical time of year if only you’ll let it be so. Its a time of peace. Its a time of joy. Its a time of love. Its a time of hope. Its a time of faith…

Christmas means all these things to me.

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas (or Hanukkah or Kwanzaa or whatever you celebrate)… May the joy of this season carry us into the new year.

There’s a saying about Aggies and Aggieland: From the outside looking in, you can never understand it. From the inside looking out, you can never explain it. That’s precisely what makes this blog so very hard to write. Because if you aren’t an Aggie, you probably will never truly understand.

Ten years ago, I was a freshman in college. I’d opted to attend Temple College for two years before transferring to Texas A&M University, despite having being accepted at TAMU. So, when I say Bonfire collapsed my freshman year, I have to give you that little bit of disclaimer. As I was not there to watch the Bonfire being built prior to that fateful night. I would, however, occasionally check in on a live webcam someone had set up to document the growing stack.

I had made plans with my best friend since Kindergarten who was already at TAMU to attend Bonfire with her, and then go to the big game: University of Texas vs. Texas A&M. I was more excited about it than I could possibly ever tell you.

I still remember, though, how numb I felt when my mom told me that Bonfire had collapsed and that there were fatalities. I had classes that day, and I went on to school. I tuned in to KAGG 96.1 FM… Aggie 96… all the way to school, and I sat listening to the reports in my truck prior to going to class.

Eight days before, I’d come far too close to losing my own brother in an auto accident. And here I was listening to reports of my Aggie family having lost members, and I felt the sharp ache in my heart.

Me & Lindsey at the game in 1999

A week later, I went to the candlelight memorial at the site of stack, the night it was supposed to burn. We made the trek over to Kyle Field, where a video of a previous Bonfire burning was being shown on the jumbotron. I will never forget how quiet it got, nor the way groups huddled together for comfort. I will never forget the feeling of unity. The way everyone leaned on one another, not afraid to show the hurt, sadness and weakness that permeated everyone’s souls.

The next day, we went and witnessed “The 12 Man’s Finest Hour” when the Aggies took the win over the Longhorns: 20 – 16. I also witnessed one of Texas’ most classy moments as well: when the Longhorn band held Texas A&M flags and performed “Amazing Grace.”

Bonfire’s collapse had not only affected Aggies, but it had brought in an outpouring of love and respect from even our greatest rivals.

I know that in the years since, lawsuits and studies, finger pointing and fear have all mired the memory of Bonfire and what it truly meant to so many Aggies: a time to gather in camaraderie prior to the biggest game of the year. It wasn’t as much about UT as it was about being an Aggie and experiencing a tradition that was 90 years in the making.

Ten years later, on what would have been the 100th Anniversary of Bonfire, Aggies came together to remember that fateful night in which 12 Aggies were killed, and many others injured. The place where Bonfire had once been built, and today a beautiful memorial stands, thousands gathered at the moment of collapse in a candlelight vigil.

Nashville Aggies gathered tonight

I was able to watch part of that memorial thanks to a live feed from KBTX, the local CBS affiliate. I clutched my husbands hand, and as I expected would happen… as the images flashed in front of my eyes, and I listened to the stories, I felt the sobs build in my chest and the tears fall. My heart was very much in Aggieland at that moment. I can never in a million years explain what this meant to me… what this means to Aggies everywhere.

I was blessed this evening to be surrounded by Aggies locally. I invited Aggies to join me for dinner, and to my delight several came out. We poured over a recent Texas Monthly, and the day’s Battalion. We shared a good bit of good bull from our days in Aggieland, and about our days here in Nashville.

In this one night, friendships that had begun over time at Game Watching Parties and Happy Hours seemed to truly solidify. By the end of the night, plans for Christmas were being made, and once again, hundreds of miles from where the Bonfire once burned, its true spirit was sparked once again. Aggie camaraderie stood strong and shined. It burned brightly… just as it was always meant to do.

November was once a month I would become downright GIDDY about arriving for the simple fact that it meant my birthday was near. Today? I look at my November calendar and all I see is… a lot going on!

November Birthdays

First and foremost is definitely BIRTHDAYS! My friend, Anne, has her birthday on the 5th. I’m right behind her on the 10th. My husband is the 19th, and my Mom’s is on the 22nd! Not to mention the countless other friends whose birthdays land this month… I think if we tried to have one big joint birthday party we’d have to have two full size sheet cakes to fit all the names!

Right there with birthdays, I can’t forget Anniversaries. My brother and sister-in-law got married on the 11th (14 years!) and our friend’s Brian and Kristen got married on the 19th (4 years!).

Important holidays: Veterans Day (11th) and Thanksgiving (26th). And of course we can’t forget National Deviled Egg Day (today!), Pack Your Mom Lunch Day (15th), and Stay At Home Because You’re Well Day (30th). (For more of these days, visit this list on About.com.)

Among these days, I am participating in NaNoWriMo. I’ve mentioned this before, but now its begun. I’m glad to say that as of right now, I am right on target to do this. Ask me again in a week how I’m doing. Then again, don’t ask. I’ll tell you on my own soon, I am sure.

On November 9th, I end my very first Project 365. In one way, I will be really glad to see it come to an end. In another, I’m sad to see it end, and I am trying to come up with my own project to replace it. I might continue on with it, but give it some sort of twist. I don’t know for sure yet. I have 8 days to decide. I’ll let you know what I decide then.

10 Years Later...

November 18th is the 10 year anniversary of the Aggie Bonfire collapse. You can rest assured I’ll have a full entry that day about it, but it is yet another anniversary that lands in this month.

In another sad memory, 10 years ago my brother was in an auto accident (on my birthday) that certainly changed my driving habits, what I drive, and without a doubt made me stop taking mine and my family and friend’s safety for granted.

Finally, big games to be played by Aggies this month. They will face Colorado, Oklahoma, Baylor and Texas this month. The Texas is back ON Thanksgiving, where it rightfully belongs. Again… that’s another entry for a later date.

Lots going on this month! I just hope I can keep up!

Tomorrow, I will be attending my 10 Year Class Reunion. In these days, I will take the opportunity to look back on ten of my favorite elements of high school (in no particular order of importance)…

#1 – In loving memory…

I went to visit my friend yesterday, and I took her a single red rose. I miss her dearly.

Five years after graduation, the Class of 1999 lost one of its members in an automobile accident. I lost a friend who had a very special place in my heart… a friend who still has that place to this day.

While I am sure I knew Candace somehow through elementary school, it was in sixth grade that our friendship seemed to really spark. At least, that is when my fond memories of her start.

We had sixth grade science together, and we had to participate in the science fair. That meant having to purchase a presentation board for the fair.

Candace paid for hers in all pennies.

Later that year, I forget what our class was doing that she brought deviled eggs to class as part of her project. However, I do remember going to her after class and saying, “Hey… I’ll be your best friend if I can have one…” She pretty much rolled her eyes at me the same time I rolled my eyes internally at myself for even using that old cliche.

I did not know when I said that, though, that she would be one of those people to truly leave a mark on my life that will be there until the day I die.

I have SEVERAL pictures of Candace taking a picture of me while I took a picture of her. It was like a running joke.

Candace simply had this open and innocent nature, even as you knew she’d already lived a lot of life by junior high. I don’t think anyone would disagree with me when I say she had this ditziness that made you shake and scratch your head, and yet she was in National Honor Society in high school and took advanced placement classes.

She was a natural beauty, one of those rare beauties who didn’t have to wear make-up or fix her hair to still stand out in a crowd. That fact was one part natural good looks and one part inner beauty that shown through her personality and easy smile. I really don’t think she was ever want for male attention, and yet I don’t know of many women who would have begrudged her that fact.

I could go on and on about memories I have of our friendship, but I will do my best to keep it short… ish.

Candace would always wear her ponytail up high on her head, and she quickly earned the nickname “Pebbles.” I still have cards from her signed with that name. A Pebbles she was, too!

I remember calling to dedicate LeAnn Rimes’ “(Don’t Ever Lose) That Light in Your Eyes” to her on WACO 100. And she would dedicate any given song back to me. I wish I could remember now what it was she called in now. That part of that  memory escapes me, but LeAnn’s song always reminds me of her.

Me and Candace at Flag camp -- 1997

So does “Wonderwall” by Oasis, as I still remember her singing along to it in the cafeteria when it would come on the jukebox.

She went to the same church as I did, and we went through Confirmation together. I think it was during projects we did as part of our Confirmation that she met my brother. I remember that she was one of the only friends of mine that my brother actually stopped me to tell me, “She’s really cool. I like her!” I told her that one day, and she would always — from then forward — make sure to go out of her way to say hello to him whenever he was around.

Un-apologetically open and friendly. That was Candace.

I remember, also, as we worked on a project for Confirmation, she and another friend spent the night at my house with me. She wanted to know why we made her sleep on the love seat, while the two of us had the couches. I pointed out she was a good five inches shorter than both of us.She took it good naturedly, but pouted about it nonetheless. What I’d give to banter with her again, if only for a few minutes.  It would almost always end in gales of laughter.

These two were unseperable!

Candace was a member of the Flag Corp, and that sisterhood offered even more memories. Too many to even begin to list.

This weekend is homecoming, and Candace made her appearance on the Homecoming court. She shined out there on that field.

Our Senior year, near the end of the Fall Semester, we came close to losing her in an auto accident. I still remember when the call came, and I got word it had happened. I went numb…

One of my favorite photos in our Senior Yearbook is a photo of Candace in her cap and gown, with a far away look in her eyes. She came all too close to not being there that night, and yet there she was. A few more scars on her body, but she was there with our class. Getting her diploma with the rest of us.

She would always bring her tax return to have my parents prepare it for her. The last time I saw her was on a very cold February or March day, when I met her and her boyfriend at my parent’s office to get their tax information from them.

Candace giving me a pout... Our last night to ever perform together on the field. -- 1997

My parents had to run an errand out of town, and I was more than happy to meet Candace, who had an appointment that Saturday morning, at the office for them. I hadn’t seen her in far too long, and I itched to know how she was doing. For even though we had drifted in location, and we didn’t “hang out” any more nor did we ever run around and go out together, I still considered her one of my very best friends.

However, I drove up late only to discover I had the wrong keys. We didn’t get a chance to visit much as we stood there shivering and she handed me their information outside.

I hugged her tightly and we said a very hasty good bye to get back into our warm vehicles. I apologized up and down for my tardiness and for forgetting my keys. I still remember her giving me her patented, “You’re crazy” look and laughing at my being so flustered — something only someone so familiar with you can do and you know its done out of love.

The next year, I missed her coming into the office to drop off and pick up her return. I had no idea it would be my last chance to ever see her again.

I got word that night in April 2003 that there had been an accident. Once again I went numb. She’d cheated death before, but was not so lucky this time. This world lost a light that night, but it gained an angel above. I like to think she’s one of my guardian angels… be it true or not, it gives me comfort.

I had a final in one of my major Journalism courses at Texas A&M the day of her funeral. It was one of the finals you were there to take even if you had 103 fever. Candace was always one of my biggest cheerleaders (and not to mention an Aggie fan!), and I felt she would probably kick my butt if I missed my final. However, I did make it to the Rosary the night before. That night is my very last, deeply treasured, memory of her.

So as the Class of 1999 gathers tomorrow night, her absence will be felt deeply. She’s not there by choice. She’s not there because… she’s not here.

I went to visit her grave yesterday, and I mused to myself, “Where would she be today if…” as I stared at her headstone.

I know that asking that question doesn’t get me anywhere. I instead choose to believe in my heart that she’s smiling down on me and everyone she ever cared about and loved in life. I choose to believe she is happy that I’ve accomplished as many of my dreams as I have. Happy I’ve found a man I love to grow old with. Happy I have a wonderful family who all also remember her fondly. Happy to be one of the voices in my conscience, guiding me in various tasks and decisions. Happy to be poking fun at me when I do something goofy.

Here’s to believing wherever she is now, she’s happy and smiling nonstop. She deserves absolutely nothing less.