Musician's Widow

I have a private journal I’ve kept up since 2011. Unfortunately, in the past couple of years its just become a place to dump my Twitter feed to for safe keeping. But once upon a time, I wrote in it daily. A few years, I would take the last week of December to do a year-end wrap-up. I’d write about what happened in each given month of the previous year, taking a trip down memory lane.

Eventually, however, that ceased to happen. And since then, I have given each year end a little bit of a cursory nod, but never the kind of attention I once gave. I’d like to say that this year will be different, that I’ll go month-by-month again. But, I can’t say that, because I, frankly, just don’t have time to go that in depth. I do, however, want to give this year some closure.

My  mom sent me an email with a newsletter giving ways to bring closure to the year. In it, Mike Robbins writes about how we need to give one year closure before we jump into the next one with all these hopes for where it will lead.

Last year at this time, we were in the process of moving. I was forced to find closure on the previous three years of living in the house we were in, and I embraced 2011 with hope and optimism as change was going on all around me. My address changed, and so did many ways I viewed various things. This year, though, I feel like I’m just rolling into 2012 without much fanfare. Its just another year. January 1st, just another day. I don’t really have optimism, but I don’t feel dread either. I’m a bit ambivalent to the whole thing.

So perhaps I am one who has a bigger need to find closure to 2011 than I would normally be as a year comes to a close. I thought I’d tackle the four questions found in Robbins’ newsletter.

1) What were my biggest lessons in 2011?

Absolutely the strong difference between want and need was my biggest lesson. This past year was a rebuilding one, financially, for my husband and myself. With that, I also learned the deep satisfaction that comes with paying for items with cash. I learned how to NOT live on credit and instead was reminded what it meant to put your money in a jar (or in my case, a big envelope) until you’d saved up enough money to purchase that great big WANT.

I learned my love for photography really can be more than just a hobby. I found a deep interest in the creative process of bringing music to life, and I discovered a potential market for documenting that process. I caught myself critiquing other’s photos with a better eye than just, “Oh that’s pretty!” and I soak in how other’s approach photography — both in what to do and what NOT to do.

On the writing side, I finally learned and held my first giveaways. I learned about how social networking in person can help you in the online world. I discovered even more strongly the kindred spirits I have in other bloggers.

Medically, I have learned an ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure. If I will stay on a strict regimen for my sinuses, I won’t be so crippled by infections. You’d think I’d have known that already, but I REALLY learned it this year.

2) What am I most proud of from this past year?

See question 1. I am most proud of the fact that my husband and I ended the year without accruing any new debts. (Outside of an ER bill.)

I am proud that I have embraced myself as a writer and a photographer, not just as “trying to get into it.” I am proud that I’ve kept this blog going and its continuing to pick up traffic and grow consistently. I am super proud of the work I did on Rick’s CD, leading me even deeper down the photography path.

Finally, I am proud of becoming a biggest piece of our work-puzzle. Working more consistently has given me a nice feeling of satisfaction. I’ve met so many interesting people, many of which I’d have never met had I not been behind the bar this year.

3) What were my biggest disappointments in 2011?

I set the bar high for myself. I may not admit that out loud to anyone, but deep down I always set it high. While my blog does continue to grow, its growing slower than I’d like for it to grow. I am disappointed that I haven’t gone to any blogger conferences, nor attended any photo walks. I once again failed to complete NaNoWriMo.

I fully thought I’d be further in making photography profitable for myself, but I have to acknowledge there is still a lot more expense I need to go into first to really get that off the ground. Baby steps… even if I don’t want them to be.

On a personal note, I do wish we were closer to being able to purchase our own house, or maybe be back to two vehicles. And I had hoped we’d be more solidly ready to take steps towards starting a family.

4) What am I ready to let go of from this past year?

My disappointments for the year. They are heavily outweighed by the lessons and successes of the year. When many people look back on 2011, they call it a bust. When I look back on it, I call it a success. Maybe I didn’t grow to the levels I had hoped I would, but I sure didn’t backslide for a change!

But perhaps that is where I don’t feel this big surge into the new year. I didn’t necessarily grow “big time” this past year, but I didn’t backslide. I didn’t stagnate, but I think I easily could do that right now. Just go with the status quo as it stands now, content with where I am for awhile. But I don’t WANT to do that. I want to keep striving forward. I want to keep pushing. I want to build a positive momentum from here on out. And maybe… maybe I am afraid I won’t do that?  Hmm…

5) What else do I need to do or say to be totally complete with 2011?

This might sound bizarre to some people, but I need to clean out my closet. I need to clear out old things physically to be ready to clear them out mentally and emotionally. I may have to actively do this on the 1st since I won’t have time today to do it. But, I need to do something like that…I need to physically let go of things. I need to clean. I need to rearrange a room. Something like that.

⚝

Happy New Year, everyone. See you all in 2012…

This post is cross-posted to Road Widows.

My husband is on his way to a few shows in Canada… something that is always an extra challenge due to cell phone rates going sky-high when there. But apparently, I decided to make it an extra level of stress today.

We got a new kitten this week. Our cats’ liter boxes are on a back porch, with a little cat door for them to go through. Keeps the smell down in the house and it gives them privacy. However, the little kitten had yet to figure out how to use the cat door, so I decided to take on the task of getting him to “get” it today.

I walked out into the porch, closed the door, and started trying to coax the kitten through the door to me. After trying for close to half an hour, I gave up. We’d try again another time. I reached for the door handle and… it wouldn’t budge.

THE DOOR LOCKED BEHIND ME. I wanted to cry. I fought with the door. I tried kicking it in. I tried to pick the lock (which I’ve never done before but seemed to think I could do it this time). Nothing worked. I reached for my cell phone. Only. It wasn’t in my back pocket where I keep it all the time. Then I remembered… I’d left it on the couch. My mind raced for ideas on what to do.

The back door is off that porch, so I could at least get OUT. Just as I got that door open, as if the situation needed a splash of humor, the cat door swung open and the kitten came out onto the porch with me. I guess on the bright side, the kitten figured out the door!

But once I got outside, I had to ask myself, “Now what?” I started trying windows. None would budge. I was starting to realize that breaking into my own house is a lot harder than I ever thought it would be. A good thing, of course, but it didn’t help me in that moment! My husband has spare keys to the house and our truck, but he is hundreds of miles away.

I looked around and decided it was time to start knocking on doors. I tried four doors before I found someone home. I asked to use the phone, and they let me! So I called my husband, since his number is the only one I know (and left a voicemail) asking if he’d call our landlords to come let me in the house. I visited with the neighbor — a single mother who is my age! A new friend, perhaps! — and then I said I’d just wait on my front porch until help arrived.

As I left her house, another neighbor drove up and asked if they could help me. I explained my situation, and this couple invited me to visit on their back porch until my landlord got there with a key. I told them all about myself and my husband, and I left their house with their phone numbers should I ever need help again. The wife said, “With you home alone so much, you NEED someone close by that you can call for help!” So true!

At one point, the neighbor asked me, “What did we learn from this?” and I laughed and said, “Never leave my phone on the couch?” but in reality, I learned that I live in a great neighborhood. I am the most cautious person in the world. I don’t like people really knowing when I am home or when I’m not… when I’m alone and when my husband is home. But it felt so good to find good people nearby who were willing to help out a “stranger” and end up with a new friendship.  Maybe I need to know my neighbors and let them help look out for me, especially when I am here alone so much.

I don’t get into many “reality TV” shows. Oh okay, so I am hooked on Top Chef shows. And I’m kinda all about Food Network. But you know what I mean. I watch and enjoy shows like Amazing Race and Undercover Boss. But if I miss it, not a big deal. I might catch up on what I missed on On Demand. I might not.

However, this season of Celebrity Apprentice SUCKED ME IN when, in a fit of “there’s nothing else to watch,” I listened to a repeat of it on MSNBC (I think it was). Just listening as I worked on other things, I found myself more and more curious about it. And I had to catch each week’s episode on On Demand, and I actually made sure I sat my butt down for the finale to see who won.

First and foremost, I am not a John Rich fan… its been my experience that you’ll actually have a bit of a hard time finding many in the Nashville area that are. That being said, within one episode, I was totally on Team John Rich. I was so thoroughly impressed with how he approached every task that by tonight, I was on the edge of my seat rooting for him.

I’ve supported St. Jude for years. Participated in fundraisers for then since I was in elementary school. And while the Muscular Dystrophy Association has my heart these days (see here, here and here), St. Jude also holds a huge place in it as well. Few things can dissolve me into tears like videos about St. Judes, and my heart aches every time I drive by that hospital on I-40 in Memphis.

That all being said, St. Jude is not why I rooted for John Rich. No one charity is more deserving than the other. Every charity is doing WONDERFUL things to make life better for others… and every single one deserved that money.  So when the winner was announced, it wasn’t saying, “Your charity is better.” it was saying, “This celebrity executed the job the best.”

Things I picked up from Celebrity Apprentice:

• “Yes, sir!” has not gone out of style. It is still just as valid and appreciated today as it was 50 years ago. It’s a sign of respect, and it should always be used. Always.
• Especially when its joined with a strong, firm handshake. The handshake, too, has not gone out of style.
• Take into account what someone has to say. It doesn’t mean you have to do their suggestion, but they just might have a kernel of an idea that you can grow into something bigger. What everyone has to say is valid, even if you end up having to dismiss it.
• Be firm in your orders, and don’t waver. Sometimes you have to be tough with someone, but do so respectfully and you’ll not only get your point across but you’ll avoid making an enemy.
• Delegate. Delegate. Delegate. The biggest thing I saw in the first part of the finale was when John Rich took Star Jones on his team, and the first thing he had her do was create them a timeline.  Brilliant move, I thought. Acting on her organizational strengths, and delegating it to her to make them a schedule that then HE had to ensure they kept. As I said, brilliant. Delegating at its finest. I need to learn this.
• It’s good to be passionate about your cause, but its not good to be overly emotional about it, either.
• When the unexpected happens, think on your feet and “make it up” as you go.

That’s just a few things I picked up while watching this season’s Celebrity Apprentice. I think this was one case when I believe the better of the two won. As one of the celebrities said, Marlee had an amazing fundraising project (setting a new record high on the show!) but John had an amazing season. I have huge respect for him as a businessman, and, hey, he got Donald Trump to put on a cowboy hat on network TV. You can’t deny his power of leadership to pull that off!!

I’ve learned hard over the last year the difference between want and need.

I need food. I want a new shirt. That sort of thing.

Well, today, I ran some errands, and then ended up at the store for a few groceries. As I walked into the store I thought to myself, “I haven’t bought myself something as a ‘treat’ in a long time. I think I’ll treat myself.”

But you know what? I couldn’t do it. Everything I picked up, I found myself going, “But I don’t NEED it.” and I’d put it back. I did this countless times  until I finally decided to go home. I did get myself a bottle of wine and a 98 cent bottle of nail polish. WOO. Those two items were the extent of my “want” purchases.

And really, don’t all my ladies agree… the bottle of wine is just right there at the edge of that “need” category.

Right?

And its warming up, and cute toes are a need if I’m to wear flip flops.

Right?

Oh in all seriousness, I know they’re technically wants, but when my “want” purchases only total about $5, I feel like I’ve truly been successful in remembering that the “needs” always trump the “wants.” I walked out of the store patting myself on the back for my self-restraint. Go me!

Then I stopped for an iced coffee on my way home. Because, after all, I needed it.

Back in July, I read a post in Living in the Moment called Future Unsure. It really resonated with me, and I bookmarked it so I could some day write my own version of that post. Here I am, just over a month from my 30th birthday, and it seems as good a time as any to tackle that post.

Ten years ago, I was a sophomore in college at Temple College. (Yeah, I was a transfer student to Texas A&M, but I bled maroon from birth.) I’d, luckily, already figured out that I didn’t know everything. I used to joke that at 18 I went blonde literally and figuratively. I’d colored my dark blonde/light brown hair to a bright blonde, and around that same time I felt like I went “stupid.”

Perhaps a big part of that was the fact that I had, thanks to exam exemptions through high school, forgotten how to take tests and, beyond that, I had a general “whatever” attitude regarding my grades in school. They wouldn’t transfer as A’s anyway, so why bother?

Herein lies something I’d tell my going-on-20-self: Just because you might not get to keep credit for a job well done, its no excuse to not do your best. Give everything you do your all. If you give everything your all, you’ll always either succeed with greatness or fail miserably, but you’ll be able to solidly stand behind what you did either way. Giving anything only half-yourself, you’ll always wonder if you could have done better. If you could have been the best of the best as opposed to just running with the crowd.

But, as I said, I knew I didn’t know it all, but it doesn’t mean I didn’t think I had it all figured out. See, I knew I would soon be going to Texas A&M and would graduate with a degree in journalism. I also knew I’d some day live in Nashville, TN. I knew I’d one day throw myself towards the dream of writing a book. I got all those things right on the money!

However, I didn’t know my husband yet. I didn’t know I’d be a “musicians widow.” I didn’t know I’d grow disillusioned by the newspaper business. I didn’t know I could actually enjoy working for my parents bookkeeping and tax business. I didn’t know I’d get myself deep in debt. I didn’t know I’d at any point in life feel unsure of myself. I didn’t know I’d end up a cat person. I didn’t know I’d this deeply wish I’d studied photography. I didn’t know that the path I dreamt of could ever change direction and course… and that I’d actually be more than okay with that fact.

With every thing I didn’t know, I’ve learned a lesson and grown. There is one thing I can say for certain: I don’t have a clue what to expect in the next ten years. If I could tell my 20-year-old self another thing, it wouldn’t be all those details I listed. It would simply be: Keep your goals and your dreams alive and chase them with all your might, but know that nothing is guaranteed except for the many twists and turns along the way towards those dreams.

See, at 20, I was career woman extraordinaire. I had a set path that would take me eventually to NYC for a huge journalism career that would eventually wind around down into Nashville… some day. I would live life in power suits, attending big events, rubbing elbows with all the elite people you’d want to meet.

I’ve traded in my power suits for sweats most days, but I keep a healthy selection of business attire for any number of potential meetings or events. I can say I’ve been blessed to still rub elbows with some of the elite people in the music industry. But I tossed NYC off my list of places to live. I’ve realized I’d not be happy there… I’d love to some day visit, but I don’t think it would fit me to live there.

I have a much more down to Earth view of myself. So in the next 10 years, my goals are for us to have a beautiful family, be as debt-free as possible, and to make a solid living with my writing and photography while my husband continues to tickle the ivories for a living. Those are sensible goals and dreams, leaving plenty of opportunity to chase any number of possibilities as they come along the way. Leaving myself room for adventure, learning and growth.

So to my 20 year old self and my 30 year old self: keep the dream, but realize you might not get there along the exact path you think… you’ll get there along the path you’re meant to take, complete with joys, sadness, successes and failures. Embrace that fact, and simply LIVE.

Believe it or not, for the last few years, I’ve worked for a little “hot dog stand” in a bar downtown Nashville part-time. I’d make hot dogs, hamburgers, sandwiches, nachos, Frito-chili pies, and other snack items. I’d sell chips, gum, candy, cigarettes and canned sodas. I did this once or twice a week for about three years.

This year, though, I’ve gone to being a back-up employee, filling in when the owner needs to go out of town or has something come up. I made this choice to allow me to focus more on writing and other career goals. However, I have to admit that I HAVE missed many elements of working there regularly.

Saturday night, I filled in while the owner went out of town for the weekend. It was my first time back in the stand in over two months, and I was actually a little nervous! Did I still have the skills to handle a busy Saturday night? (I usually worked the slower week nights.)

You may be wondering: what kind of skills do you really need to make hot dogs? You need several, and they are skills I credit my time at the stand for teaching me.

1. The most basic of people skills. You can’t be a wall flower and work in any sort of a service industry. You have to be able to talk to people.
2. Figure out how to read people in an instant. Are they drunk? What are they wearing that might tip you off as something to strike up a conversation? Do they have an accent that might help you know they “aren’t from around here?” Are they mad at the world? Are they shy or cocky or open and welcoming to conversation?
3. Learn how to BS. Frankly, this isn’t anything I didn’t already know how to do. Having a journalism degree, I always used to joke that I had my BS in BS. This job just taught me how to turn the volume up on it a little. Example: Have I been to NYC? No, but I have friends who have been. Is there anything they told me at some point that I can use to chat up this business man from the Big Apple?
4. Counting change back. Face it, these days, most places have a machine that tells someone how much change to give back. In this stand, I had to do it all in my head. Math is not my strong point, so I had to learn fast how to count change back and how to figure a tab on the fly.
5. Be the center of attention. When the band promotes the hot dog stand between songs, wave, and smile and maybe make some sort of smart comment to the lead singer to make people laugh. When a customer gets hungry, they’re going to remember you faster that way and, hopefully, feel inclined to come see you.
6. Time management and juggling multiple orders at a time. I still struggle with this if my heads not fully in the game. Luckily, last night, I was on my toes and I was able to fill multiple orders at a time and not get a single one wrong. GO ME!
7. Tipping is good.Tipping is wise. Tip karma will bite you in the butt.

I made a lot of friends working there, and it was always really nice to be a part of the fabric that makes that bar run. I’m still part of the family, but sometimes when I go back I feel a little disconnected now. But I remind myself it was a choice I made to step back from it.

Sadly, there was a big festival in Nashville on Saturday that I think cut into our customers that night. That along with rain made the Saturday night more like a really good week night. A bummer for the stand because sales were down and a bummer for me because my tip jar just didn’t do as well as sometimes.

But I enjoyed myself and was grateful. I was  reminded of things I didn’t miss: sore feet, super late hours, the homeless coming to ask for free food (it kills me to say no…), and coming home smelling like cigarettes and french fries. These things,though, are all minor compared to the fun (c’mon, I get to listen to great music all night and have been known to bust out dancing when things are slow) and satisfaction I have when I do work there.